


The Apex Games-The Parody- Your Terrible Teammates

by LordDankMeme69



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Apex Games, Canon-Typical Violence, Multi, Other, Parody, Teamwork, no sex in chap one, teammates being shitty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:48:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29371089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordDankMeme69/pseuds/LordDankMeme69
Summary: Welcome to the Apex Games, if you think that you enemy is worse than your teammates think again. Your squad format is bound to bring up trouble in terms of getting along, or bad ability combinations. The best case scenario is both for ratings of the Apex Games. Watch the mic breathers, item stealers, bloodthirsty players, and the worst attempts at cooperating you have seen for your entertainment.Let's not forget the worst player of all: the people that scream on the mic who think that they know how to use a rifle better than you when they run mozenbeaks.
Relationships: Bloodhound/Mirage | Elliott Witt
Kudos: 1





	1. Mirage, Loba, and Revenant - Part 1

Revenant (level 7, smurf), Mirage (level 42, noob-ish), and Loba (level 269) are placed together on a team for today’s match.

Mirage: the player who is more concerned about looking good before starting, who ends up being a medic, and who can escape a lot

Loba: the mic screamer, message spammer, and item stealer

Revenant: the player who 'knows' more than everyone else does, likes to antagonize teammates

The game makers must really be hating Mirage right now as he grimly looked to his sides. Loba on his right was glaring at the robot to his left, and they were on fucking Olimpus with Revenant as the jump master. There was no way he was going to relinquish it, and Hammond Labs was the hot zone. Just his fucking luck.

“Do you need some stim, Mirage???” Octane asked him almost trying to shove the needle in his arm. “It’ll get you through today for sure buddy.”

“No thank you. I really don’t need to be as on edge more than I anxious- I mean I don’t need to be even more jittery than I already am.” Mirage stumbled around his words. Caustic was eying him up as well. 

“Just find me if you want to relax after a few antagonizing minutes, bartender,” he started before going to berate. It wasn’t any secret that Caustic didn’t like how most of the other contestants were not scientists or extreme athletes or robots. 

“If you purposely seek him out, I’ll hunt you outside the ring skinbag,” Revenant warned him.

Well if it isn’t just his fucking luck.

“Not before I get to you first demon!” Loba growled at him.

“Whatever you think Loba,” the former man turned machine spoke with a vague voice of mock concern. After that he pulled them to jump down off the dropship straight down to the labs.

Mirage can safely say he hates it when he’s on a team with anyone who does a straight down jump off the ship to where they want to go. Going headfirst makes him a bit woozy and it messes up his hair. He wears a lot of hair products to keep it remotely as good looking as before he drops. Good thing that he brought his makeup bag today.

Once on the ground Revenant immediately grabs a gun and began to shoot at teams who were taking their time getting down to the ground. These first couple of minutes were going to be fun for him, and then get boring right up until they were one of three teams remaining. Until then after the initial fun he’d be very bored.

Letting Revenant and Loba do their thing Mirage placed a decoy next to them to make it appear that he was assisting when he ran off to the nearest bathroom to fix his hair. “No, no, no! I don’t have a curling iron on me!” Mirage nearly yelled when in the bathroom. His hair wasn’t set remotely anymore. Ingenuity spoke to him and he got a silencer and started using that along with a lot of hairspray to fix his hair. He had to look good for the cameras.

“New kill leader appointed.” the intercom lady spoke. 

“All my hard work is getting recognized for once, Caustic’s team must have not dropped here,” Revenant said through the comms.

“Demon!” Loba spat somewhere else, but still on the line. One of Mirage's hair gels disappeared in front of him. “Really Mirage? We’re fighting to win out here and you’re putting expensive shit in your hair.”

“Don’t hate the player, hate the…” he started. “I need to look good!” he growled before shutting his comm off temporarily. 

A few minutes later Revenant broke the bathroom door down and dragged Mirage out by his collar. 

“Please don’t eat me,” Mirage begged. 

“Do something before I send you out with no weapons,” Revenant rolled his eyes if he could roll his eyes.

“I don’t have anything other than hairspray currently,” Mirage ran before the robot could do anything. He ran face first into Crypto, shrieked, hit him with his trophy, and decoy escaped, and not necessarily all in that order. 

Mirage could practically hear his teammates sighing on the comms that he still had offline. He turned them back on so that he could know what was going on. Finding a mozenbeak, can’t spell, he smiled and turned back to possibly join the fight. Seeing both teammates down he ran in with another decoy escape he hid himself and Revenant while he got him back up.

“You stupid piece of shit for brai-” Loba screamed before she disappeared having ‘died’. 

Running over to her while the enemy team was shooting his decoys he got her banner and started running for the nearest respawn beacon. Mirage wasn’t sure what Revenant was doing, but he was doing something for his team now that his hair was done. He could have used extra time to set his hair with the shit that was really bad for the environment, but beggars can’t be choosy.

The beacon was already in use by crypto’s drone, another decoy escape since the drone was looking menacingly at him, he ran again. Loba was getting impatient and pinging-spamming the next nearest tower on repeat. Managing to finally get near the tower intact he hears Revenant go down again and ‘die’ as well. 

Loba got pissed when Mirage changed course to go and grab his beacon to deliver to the beacon as well. “YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE WORKING WITH YOU MIRAGE! ALWAYS MIRAGING AT THE FIRST SIGN OF DANGER! I AM THE ONE CARRYING THIS TEAM! BRING ME BACK BEFORE!” Mirage heard her say on the comms, it sounded like she was using the cheapest headset possible.

“Don’t listen to her, she’s just crazy, and if you don’t do this right then I will make sure that I find you in the next games, let your team revive you, then kill you again!” Revenant threatened.

“DON’T LISTEN TO THAT THING! HE---” Loba started screaming before she got interrupted again.

“You know I can’t hear anything when you two are screaming into you headsets can I just have a moment where I don’t have to hear the sounds of angry breathing screaming machines beeping and Octane yelling about how he lost today?”

“No” both Loba and Revenant said at the same time. He could hear a faint no from Octane as well.

“Well I just muted you,” Mirage muted them. He decoy escaped and got the banner from the team that was still looting before he heard...it…

On the speakers of the game, in the arena for everybody to hear, “YOU BETTER NOT FUCK THIS UP SKINSUIT!!!” AND DON’T YOU DARE MUTE US AGAIN!”

“FINALLY SOMETHING WE AGREE ON!” Loba agreed. 

Loba must have stolen the announcer’s comm.

Mirage tried to ignore them on the intercom as he revived them. 

Off in the distance Pathfinder viewed Mirage on his Krabar and took pity on him and decided not to take him out there considering the whole display of insanity.

CONTINUE ON TO CHAPTER TWO LOLZ


	2. Getting Dicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not so descriptive sex due to wanting to honor a friend's wish for Bloodhound to remain more ambiguous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. Next chapter will include:
> 
> Caustic, Wraith, and Watson in a different match.
> 
> They are camping trolls who portal people into doom.

After the two got back in the match and raided everything in sight until they deemed that they got enough loot they headed off to the ring. They both left Mirage behind. Alone he decoy escaped every time he got spooked before he and all his decoyed sighed in irritation. 

“Hi friend!” Pathfinder pressed his rifle against him. 

“My squad dicked-ditched me!!!” Mirage squeaked out. 

“Drop everything but you shield and knockdown shield and you can stay with us as bait old man,” Crypto sighed. 

“Don’t tell me what to do, but fine. Sure.” With that he dropped his items that got canblized. Bloodhound took all the ultimate accelerants. “Is this a full recon team? You guys got as ducked-dicked by the game makers as much as I did.”

“All recon is good. No surprise fights for us. Isn’t that fun?” Pathfinder chirped happily. 

“You didn’t account for me.” Wraith growled before shoving a mastiff at Crypto. He went down quickly before being teleported to the respon chamber. 

“I’m grappling!” Pathfinder yelled and went away. 

Before Wraith could aim at Bloodhound, Artur pecked her eye and with a p2020 they downed her. “Did you leave your team again?” 

“Maybe,” she answered. 

“Too bad,” they shot again and she got sent to the respon chamber as well. “Pathfinder most likely got distracted.” Then they leaned in to whisper. “There is a supply closet nearby if you want to get distracted, love.”

“You know I can’t resist you,” he gave a quick peck to their mask. “I did my hair extra good in case you saw me through your scope.”

“It’s lovely. Do you want me to irritate your teammates more by making you more indisposed?”

“Yes,” he spoke breathlessly.

Unfortunately for the two of them they didn’t realize until after the match that the closet that they chose also had a camera in it. Welp, they did sign over all filming rights to anything that happened in the arena when they first joined the games.

(Sorry not sorry this is the least non descript sex scene because I wanted to keep Bloodhound as ambiguous as possible. They could have a cock, or it could be just a toy. Suck my ego if you wanted more when you read this, I have non-bianary friends so I want it to be as neither and both as possible.)

Sleeping with the enemy which happened to be his lover was the best part of his day. That first thrust in him after all the prep was amazing. It was good foresight for Bloodhound to pack all the shit that they did. They had him against the wall with his ankles on their shoulders. It was a bit of an awkward position, but the both of them managed to make sure that Mirage didn’t slip down and hit his head off the floor.

“Fuck! This feels so good, but I’m gonna need a medkit for my neck after this!” Mirage managed to say.

“I can give you one,” Bloodhound reassured him. “I wouldn't be a good dom if I didn’t give my sub some aftercare. By the way do you still want to do what we plan on doing later? It is a bit...a bit much for most people.”

“Yeeeesssss!!! Just fuck me harder then my teammates did by leaving me behind!” he moaned before they began to pick up speed. “Right there!-ah!”

“*Swears in language that I’m too lazy to do research, but if I did it would be: Fuck this is so good! Fuck! I forgot Artur is in the room-perverted bird!!!*”

“I don’t want to startle you but the ring is moving, friend.” Pathfinder opened the door to the room that they were both in. Horrified the both of them stopped moving and making sound. “Opps. I can see that the two of you are busy. But we need to go.” 

“I’m going to go find Caustic now. I hear he’s taking subjects for experiments…” Crypto walked away after glancing inside.

“Path! SHUT THE DOOR!!!” Mirage yelled. “Can you send me to the respon chamber now and end my embarrassment? I mean it’s not like anyone saw other than the two of them.”

Mirage was sorely mistaken.


End file.
